STORY I.
Recently I met a man who was in darkness for the third time. It was his third retreat, yet he still did not know where to go in life or what his path was. He was fifty, had no family and, at the time we met, no partner. But he had a great deal of information from the spiritual realm. I was amazed by his theoretical knowledge. Around the fifth day, when he asked for my presence, he was deeply frustrated and felt great hopelessness about himself.
He experienced himself as sitting in the middle of a cave with no exit. He sat there surrounded by thick rock. He pounded on it, but nothing happened. No one could hear him; he did not know how to get out or what to do. No one could help him. As he told me what he had experienced, I had goosebumps.
How many of us experience something similar?
How many of us imprison ourselves without knowing it, sitting inside a rock that prevents us from seeing things from a wider perspective?
When I am with a client, I always wait to see what comes to me. Sometimes I am not meant to say anything, and sometimes I say something wise that merely comes through my voice. In his presence, what came was that he no longer needed to do anything. No searching, no collecting information, NOTHING. In that nothingness, simply lie down in surrender. Lie there and feel each inhalation with every cell. A breath that makes everything in the body vibrate. Everything in the body works together perfectly; without breath, nothing happens. It is the fuel of our vehicle.
A breath that passes through us.
It is always the first and the last. First – last. Every single breath reminds us of beginning and end. In one second we are born and, at the same time, we die.
How much is happening?
When we look at it only with the mind, it can seem as if nothing is happening at all.
FOR THIS MAN, THE BEGINNING OF HEALING HIMSELF HAD APPEARED. IT WAS SHOWN TO HIM. It is different for each of us; it is always tailored to us.
We do not know what will happen or how it will unfold.
But IT IS ALWAYS HEALING.
If this has not put you off, there is nothing more to wait for, and I look forward to meeting you, wonderful and divine souls.
More stories from people staying in the dark-retreat cabins…
I feel great humility when guiding you – souls. I experience each of you whom I have met as a very important part of Anička’s story, and as a soul with whom I have shared something different each time. Every story fits into the others like a puzzle; they intertwine, enrich and connect one another. It is so beautiful to remember and live the unity and importance of each person.
NAMASTE
COMING OUT OF DARKNESS INTO LIGHT
I am still deeply enthusiastic about guiding people into darkness and back out again. My husband always asks whether I really enjoy getting up at four in the morning, for example, and making tea for people on the day when light is finally allowed into the dark space. My answer is unequivocal: it gives me great joy. In winter, around the solstice, it may not be until half past six :-)
When we remain in complete darkness for anywhere from 3 to 49 nights, a major change can take place in the way we think. Many unnecessary and harmful patterns may be revealed, sometimes on the very first night and sometimes later. Often they appear in recurring or continuing dreams. People can share these dreams if they want to, and they often do, because only when they tell them aloud do they begin to see the connections with the reality they live in. During a dark retreat, some part of the ego always seems to die. It is no longer needed because it has been seen, and people often realise that it has only been harming and limiting them. One woman had a very significant dream on the first night. In the dream, her worsening hearing was connected with no longer wanting to listen to a constantly dissatisfied, grumpy and angry little girl within herself. The message she took from it was that, if she transformed dissatisfaction into contentment, her hearing would improve. Ten days later we spoke on the phone and she told me that her husband had noticed she was hearing better. I believe this can continue as part of her healing process, towards hearing a more inward and quieter voice – a voice we may begin to notice during isolation and deprivation of light. In the usual noise of events, information and duties, unless we are very practiced, it can be difficult to hear.
The final night is probably the hardest for many people. There is enormous anticipation, almost a trembling excitement, at the thought that in the morning they will see the world again. It is a remarkable space for working with the mind. Finding balance suddenly becomes much harder than before. I often notice that excessive anticipation, although much more pleasant to us than sadness, for example, can strongly affect our inner calm. That is why it is important to prepare for this moment and know that it may come. In my experience of guiding around a hundred people, it has appeared in everyone in some form. People describe very similar states and often count the final night among the most difficult. Interestingly, even when the beginning of a retreat involves vomiting, diarrhoea, sadness or anger, some people do not perceive it as being as difficult as the end. They see those reactions as part of the process and are prepared for them.
The ending – the final night – catches them. I am writing this article so that you are aware that even very intense excitement about something can shake us deeply and suddenly disturb our stability.
Be aware of it.
IT IS HERE
In the morning they hear the long-awaited knock. Perhaps they are half asleep, because they have often been awake all night. They notice it, but usually do not react at first. After the second, louder knock, they understand: it is here. The moment has arrived.
The moment they have waited for so long.
The moment they have imagined so many times is here.
They hear me place a cup of tea on the shelf and watch the door with an eager, fixed gaze.
The door opens. I open it only a little, because suddenly a piercing glow of light enters – the glow offered by the dawn of the coming day. The safe space in which they had begun to feel secure is disturbed by a narrow gap of incoming light. Fears often arise: Will I manage it? What will it be like?…
The feelings can be very similar to moving through a birth canal: a dark, narrow, constricting tunnel with light at the end. The main difference is that, when leaving the safe dark space – the womb of darkness – they themselves determine how everything will happen. How long they remain in the space that feels safe, what they do before stepping into the light and the pace at which they do it is entirely up to them.
When they come out in front of the cabin, I leave them alone, because for me this is the most sacred moment of the entire retreat.
They are born again.
Different, lighter, illuminated by an inner light.
Their faces softened from ordinary and unnecessary worries.
Calm and slowed down.
Often moved by the beauty offered by the reality in which they can create, experience and live.
At first their steps can be uncertain and accompanied by dizziness. There is a bench in front of the cabin where they can enjoy fresh air, the gradually arriving day and the sense of awakening. Little by little, they feel everything settling and calming down. It is important to give this enough time and space. There is nowhere to rush. In summer, with the early sunrise, people have six to eight hours to acclimatise; in winter, with fewer daylight hours, they have four to six hours. Most people then feel strong enough to drive, although perhaps in a different way from what they were used to before. At their own pace, I also recommend a walk in any weather. It can bring remarkably fresh and enriching sensations.
If this article has helped you decide to experience a dark retreat, I look forward to a new meeting and to the mutual enrichment it may bring.
STORY II.
In February I had the honour of guiding a person who works with metodou KubyI was captivated by her feedback. After leaving the darkness, she created her own rules:
1. I will never be angry with my children again.
2. When anger comes, I will quietly leave and return only after I have transformed my anger into love.
3. Miluju!
– love for myself, my partner, my children, my family, friends and all beings
4. I do only what I want to do. I do not have to do anything. For example, I do not have to:
– sacrifice myself for my children
– work all the time
– always be on time
– explain everything to everyone
– always be available
5. I schedule only as many fixed appointments as are truly necessary.
6. I live in “kairos” (the right time in the right place) instead of “chronos” (clock time and deadlines).
7. I am a source of support first and foremost for myself, and only then for others.
8. I will not save the world; everyone must save themselves.
9. Less is more. I come first, then those closest to me, and only then work.
10. Doubts and crises are a normal part of every life.
11. When they come, I am kind to myself. Everything is all right. I stop and do what will help me move through the crisis as quickly as possible.
12. Performance is only a side effect of my creative work. When I do what I love, I naturally achieve my best performance.
13. I do not have to force things. It is enough to let them flow.
14. I allow myself to rest whenever I feel I need it.
15. When I feel I need a break, I take a break.
Everything is all right!
A picture painted after the dark retreat:
STORY III.
December is a month that I experience as demanding when it comes to maintaining my inner balance. As the darkness arrives, old patterns emerge and often ask for attention. WELL… sometimes before I even notice, I am back in the old familiar groove. I am very grateful that I can now step off that worn path quite quickly and choose a new one – a joyful path rather than a self-destructive one.
That month I gave myself a dark retreat. My wonderful partner and husband made it possible for me to immerse myself fully in my inner space without the children. For the first three days I wanted to fast. I had never fasted for more than 48 hours, but I felt that my body needed to clear itself. I found that when I left out food, my mind settled more quickly. This was a completely new experience for me because I love food, flavours and combinations of different ingredients. Time flowed – in fact, it seemed not to exist. Nobody entered my space, only I did. That is the most beautiful part: meeting the I, the self.
After the fast, the first bite in my mouth was a symphony. They had prepared rice for me. It may sound ordinary to someone else, but my taste buds trembled with delight at the perfect interplay of its texture, sweetness and saltiness. I felt enormous gratitude that I could experience this through my senses – that I was able to buy rice and eat it. The deep gratitude I felt for every bite I put into my mouth in darkness also leads me to experience food differently in the light. It is no longer as intense, but with a ritual moment of awareness, I can return to it.
a
If you are considering combining a dark retreat with fasting, my own experience is that doing so during the first days can intensify the experience of the retreat.
The intention I took into the darkness was to explore why my hair was falling out. I first noticed this signal when I was 26, and imagine – I did not truly get to it until I was almost 40 :-)
Discovering a strong pattern of exaggerated responsibility for my own behaviour and the behaviour of others – perhaps even for the last anteater breaking its leg :-) – together with the need to control myself and others, was a shock for me. I was shocked by how deep it could run, lived and passed down across generations. I lived it too, but I decided that I wanted to have hair – as simple as that: to decide. I cried for many hours. I cried for myself, for having allowed it and not seen it. My son showed it to me most clearly, because he truly would not share what was unhealthy in me. After releasing emotions of every kind – truly everything – I finally felt the relief of letting go, and unexpectedly he, my son, arrived. So fitting. It could have been my husband or daughters, but it was him. He asked whether I had been crying. I said yes, because I had felt that I needed to be responsible for him, constantly checking him and telling him what he should and should not do. He pulled me close and stroked my face with his childlike yet grown-up hand, saying: “Mum, I can take care of myself. That really is not your responsibility.” It was a huge relief – a relief felt in every cell. We sat next to each other, held hands and said nothing more.
In the darkness I had many visualisations of looking in the mirror and seeing new little hairs beginning to grow. A month later I looked at that place that had been teaching me, and there really was hair there. It was slowly growing; the skin was changing and regenerating, as if becoming soil in which the hair roots could grow again. I am meeting them halfway: caring for myself and accepting everything in me as divine and created toward wholeness.
Thank you for this…
STORY IV.
It was the season of falling leaves lit by rays of sunlight. The whole garden was wrapped in a colourful cloak and the approaching rule of winter could already be felt in the air. There were occasional frosts, yet the cabin was and still is very comfortable even at this time of year. I sometimes wonder whether there will be enough warmth. There is; the heating is provided by infra-panely , which my husband makes.
A man from the nearby town of Nová Paka decided to come for his fifth retreat. After he arrived, I listened eagerly to his previous experiences. He decided that he wanted to spend this retreat in silence, without me entering. We agreed that I would leave his food in the entrance area. I would always knock on the outer door, and that would be the signal that the food was there. He did not want his contemplation to be disturbed. I noticed unease in myself because my mind would not have control over the situation. What if he went through something and I could not help him? A perfect self-destructive pattern that Anička had lived for many years. Today I know about it, and when it appears from time to time I name it and give it that attention. That is the trick by which I satisfy my mind: it gets attention and no longer has to keep analysing the fact that I simply named it.
I accompanied the man to the cabin, and a completely new experience began for me.
In fact, everything was happening as it needed to. That week my children needed me a lot and we were also preparing for the approaching Advent season. My own next dark retreat was coming closer, along with the things I needed to arrange beforehand.
DO NOT PUSH THE RIVER; IT FLOWS BY ITSELF.
After nine days the man came out of the cabin. He had not experienced any especially dramatic stimuli. We talked over breakfast. He told me that he had come seeking harmony – neither high nor low. He also told me about difficult experiences during his first and second retreats, which he had managed to overcome entirely on his own. He had drawn strength from them for many years whenever a more difficult situation arose.
It showed me how important it is to give trust.
After him, four more people chose this approach. For them it was deeply enriching to remain without outside contact, simply alone with themselves.
Since then, when I knock on the door, I let people decide in that moment whether they want me to enter or not. If they do, they answer me; if they do not, they remain in silence :-)
I thank myself for being shown again what I still need.
STORY V.
It was Saturday and I had gone to Prague. Preparing the cabin for a man from Liberec was left to my husband and our oldest daughter. I was quite nervous because I did not have it under control :-) But I also see that as a major challenge for myself – above all, trusting them to prepare everything. My husband also had the introductory conversation with him. The man was remarkably similar to my husband in the way he behaved – perhaps like my husband fifteen years ago. Pleasure-seeking, lack of moderation, and above all the need to manage, arrange and accomplish everything. Keeping the mind busy was meant to ensure that he would not have to reflect on his inner wounds. This man had received a week-long dark retreat as a birthday gift: alone with himself, in a timeless space where time disappears and everything slows down. For my husband, meeting him showed how much work he himself had done. They even had a sauna together, and my husband felt the need to guide him a little because he jumped from topic to topic, talked a great deal and everything was absolutely the best and most wonderful… It was a real extreme, especially because the week before there had been a man in the cabin who was dissatisfied with everything and saw everything he had available negatively. I am amazed at the way such extremes can balance into harmony – these two men one after another. I simply greeted the man from Liberec and told him that I could offer guidance if he felt he wanted it. During the first days it was largely a monologue; I just listened. His hectic, scattered mind amazed me. On the third day I asked whether I could sit next to him on the bed. With his permission, I offered him my left hand. He placed his hand in mine and I told him only that we would remain in silence – not merely without words, but above all in silence of mind. Through our palms our hearts connected. During my own retreat I had realised how important holding hands can be for children: through our palms we connect and walk as two people and at the same time as one.
We were one, a single whole. Some time passed and I felt that it was time for me to leave the space. I went. He quietly said goodbye. The next day he told me that he did not understand what had happened at all, but after we let go of each other he cried for a long time. He felt himself deeply, and sometimes it is painful to see ourselves – how much we hurt ourselves, what we do to ourselves, and what we then do especially to those closest to us.
He went through it, and even that was not a reason to end the retreat. His mind again encouraged him to leave, telling him that he already had everything he needed and could go home a day early. He described the scenario of how he would do it and, above all, why. I listened and told him that he could do anything: he could finish early, as with many projects he had started, or he could see it as an opportunity to change that pattern. He could communicate with his mind and label the stories it created simply as thinking. It was a real challenge for him, and he decided to accept it. I know he took a major step toward uncovering his wound. It was not easy for him at all, but he managed it. In the morning he came out joyfully and once again allowed himself to see the beauty Mother Earth continually offers us :-)
I thank myself that this man showed me how much work my wonderful partner has already done. It benefits everyone in a family when we uncover our wounds, tend and heal them, and move closer toward connection and unity.
Thank you, thank you, thank you…
STORY VI.
This month brought many meetings with interesting people, but many of them stayed for only 3–5 days, which is often such a gentle length of time that nothing very deep opens. Most people, however, get a very good rest.
One woman who also came for five days caught my attention because from the very beginning I felt very close to her, almost like a sister. She arrived with her husband, who drove her. We had Ayurvedic spiced tea on the terrace and then I ritually accompanied her into the dark-retreat cabin. Each day when I brought food she told me about light and rainbow colours. She felt a deep connection with herself. After the morning dawn we went for a walk together. There was fog, and two women walking through it in silence allowed themselves to contemplate its beauty. At times a colder wind blew. We reached a hill looking out into the fog. We sat on mats and waited for the rays of the sun. For a brief while we were given the experience of the sky clearing and the sun, like a great sphere, warming us. After about an hour we returned and stretched together with a sun salutation.
Thank you to you too, dear one…
STORY VII.
A young man phoned me about a month before his retreat and told me that he had diabetes. He asked whether it would be possible for him to spend a week with us in darkness. Fear did not arise in me; on the phone I immediately felt that we would share an enriching week. So the answer was YES.
He was a slightly uncertain, trembling, artistically inclined young man. I think he was a little over thirty, although I do not remember exactly.
During our conversation before he entered the cabin, he handed me rolling papers, tobacco, his phone, wallet and keys, saying that he did not entirely trust himself with them and asking whether I could keep them for him. I put them in a bag, and the final item was his blood-glucose meter. We agreed that I would bring it into the darkness each day and measure his blood sugar. We discussed which ingredients I would use to prepare his meals. For me it was an enriching experience to discover how much carbohydrate was present in legumes or soy, so I used those only sparingly. He had insulin with him, which he used in the morning and evening. He himself decided that, if possible, he would like to reduce it. He also had glucose tablets and fruit available. And the retreat began. Until then I had never experienced such open conversation about all kinds of life events from the very beginning of a dark retreat. He moved through great joy and great sadness, tears and laughter. Perhaps in future retreats he will experience these states in greater harmony, but at that moment this was how he needed to live through them. With each day he gained more motivation to work on a house that needed renovation and looked forward to doing the work.
I guided him verbally through a meditation focused on connecting with the inner child. It was a very strong experience that continued into a dream. He felt a need to receive what he had missed and to find acceptance from his father. This happened on the third day of the retreat, when his mind was also suggesting that he should leave and give it up. He stayed…
<<<
On the fifth day I brought him a handpan. Through music he was able to enter a meditative state. He reported that his blood-sugar levels remained manageable with his nighttime insulin. Food of course also played an important role. In my view, however, one of our greatest difficulties is our untamed mind: it drags us along without our noticing, like a runaway horse taking us wherever it wants without regard for whether we are hurting or afraid. The more intensely we feed an experience, the more the mind can be nourished by it.
Eight days and seven nights brought him something he felt he had not been able to gain in ordinary life. He gained more trust in himself and encouragement that he could change everything… truly everything.
His joy when he came out in the morning was genuinely childlike. He jumped, danced and ran.
You can find more practical information about dark retreats at Laskavá tma.
Available dates and booking are available in the reservation calendar.
